| It's been so long... |
[12 May 2007|07:02pm] |
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I swore I wouldnt write in this stupid thing any more but recently I find myself pulling up the page, writing & x'ing it out. Clearly I have something to say...most likely to myself. I feel very...thoughtless lately. I feel like some where along the way, I lost my creativity. I've gotten so confortable w/the day to day banter that passes time, pays the bills, keeps my parents off my back. I love my job & I love hawaii...but where's the art? Where is the intelegence, the rush, the fire in the pit of your stomach...i feel empty. I am not that girl any more and I don't know how to get her back. I am not motivated, i am terrified of the thought of NYC, the competition, the let downs. I can't go back, but I can't conitnue without art in my life.
I can't write any more. I wouldnt be caught dead in a dance class. My voice is shot. How did this happen? & more importantly, how do I fix it?
BAH. I sound like an unhappy person when really I am anything but. I ADORE my life & the people in it. I watched my little cousins out in the yard today and I smiled because kids fill my up almost as much as music and theatre does. It's odd...I cant say my job isnt fulfilling because I love every second I play w/those kids. But, it's not life changing. These kids are on vacation-they have everything they could possibly want. I am not impacting their life & really, they're not impacting mine. Something tells me, I will get to a point that will lead me back to school. I've got to make some major life changing decisions this next year-times just ticking away.
On another note...I really have had it w/stupid boys. Boys who stand infront of you, telling you what a wonderful, inspiring person you are & then push you away for a girl who doesn't appriciate him for the beautiful person he is. Explain this to me? Yet there he is, still hoping she comes around...& there I am, still hoping he will.
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[21 May 2006|11:50pm] |
I AM OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE GRADUATE!!!
shiiiittttttttt
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| I blink my eyes and its all over... |
[19 Apr 2006|10:11am] |
I'm trying so hard to not let all this get to me...really, I am. People prolly think I'm crazy. I just don't handel change too well. I know that about myself. But this sucks. I can't say it any other way. I was driving back from Mike's house today and it was sooo warm & sunny and as I entered the city of Hartford, I thought about 4 years ago and how scared I was to come here. How sad I was to leave home, my friends, HS, Jay. I was sick of classes but I wasnt ready to leave. Here I am again, 4 years later-and I feel the same way. It's funny how life works. I drove around the other day just thinking about all the memories ive created here...the people I met, the things we did, the shit iv'e learned-and it's exactly that now...a memory. I cant even put into words how I feel. I cry even thinking about sitting at graduation with my friends, looking around a campus that I will never see again. I thought about my freshman dorm, and Ryan living next door. I remember fake ID's and walking through the village to find frat parties. I remember skipping classes to play n64 in the living room. I remember snow fights, and april fools day. I remember driving to Oneonta, and long fights on the phone. I rememberSpring fling and vanila ice. I remember sophmore yr appartment in the 1's. I remember finaly having a kitchen and drunk parties gettin broken up by the cops. I remember coming back early w/mary and driving to Mass for booze. I remember six flags & passin out in bathroom floors locking mary out. I remember becoming close with ashley & lizzie and cheating on tests lol...I remember 1047 & gay themed parties. I remember whitneys. I remember the sherman street house. I remember hosting frosh mosh & our crazy land lord. I remember how hot it was moving in there. I remember 'dancing under the stars' with the old ladies in west hartford. I remember robb & johnny & cris & I remember walking late at night to see them. I remember skiing & late night movies. I remember falling in love & I remember getting my heart broken. I remember meeting lindsey & skipping class to smoke in the car and go shopping. I remember it feeling like a carnival. I remember ashley & I tearin' up downtown when we finaly turned 21. I remember throwing parties & I remmeber mar and delia comin...pukin', gettin left behind at bars...going drunk sledding. I remember fuck valentines day. I remember deciding to move. I remember moving into owen alone. I remember feeling scared at first. I remember the day I met him. The boy I think I will marry one day. I remember feeling scared he would break my heart again. I remember our first kiss, the time he came over to "fix my internet", I remember keeping it a secret & I remember finaly telling everyone. I remember our first time and I remember when I knew he loved me. I remember when he finaly told me and I remember deciding he wasn't going to hurt me-ever. I remember MNDC @ half door...funneling beers till our heads fell off...mad dawgs, asian karaoke @ butterfly...I remember driving when we shouldnt, I DONT remember Halloween lol...I remember downtown, sledding w/jay & katie & mike, MT/AT football games, I remember drunk park visits, and strip flip cup. I remember laughing, I remember feeling infinate & I remember feeling that it's all going to end before we know it.
That "before we know it" is 33 days away. I can't help but cry. Not because it's ending. I suppose thats all part of life. But because of what I experienced. Because of what I've learned. Because of the amazing friendships i've made. Because I not only got an education but I lived. I lived every day, every night, every second. Made mistakes, learned from them. I cry because the chapter has to close and from May 21st on, this will only remain in the scrap book of our minds. We have the world ahead of us-but it will never, ever be the same. Not nessisarily worse, or better...simply not the same.
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[26 Jan 2006|06:45pm] |
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A little tipsy...waitin for mar to get here...and ive never felt more old. Ever.
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[21 Dec 2005|10:07pm] |
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we sang Journey to the mall.
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| Ski Trip #1-Sundown Mountain |
[12 Dec 2005|08:58am] |
I freakin' love this boy to deeaaathhhhhh ♥
I look like a cancer patcient and he still adores me <3
Georgous out!
dork.
My sexy snowboarder
My birthday present...he painted it for me
It got sooo dark.
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| another thing.. |
[06 Dec 2005|02:27am] |
I found this...only part of what I wrote exactly a year ago today. To be honest, the rest is about Robb and thats all in the past-His number got deleated last weekend and I think it was about time. This is what I wrote about my best friend and its prolly the one of the many things I am most grateful for this year...to make up w/my best friend.
Dec 6, 2004:
This weekend: Insane. lol I have never laughed more in my life. I simply dont have words for how lucky I feel to have Mary back in my life, and I know ive already told her but I'll say it again. Shes the one person I feel truly understands me and we have such simular views on life and I feel like we can just connect on a level that I dont have with anyone else. I feel so sorry I wasnt there for her those few months that things were shitty but I couldnt be more thankful it was put in the past. I really believe things happen for a reason, and maybe all that shit went down to make us realize how important we are to one another. (This sounds like a bad boyfriend relationship lol) But no, on a serious note, I adore her and shes a wonderful, beautiful, smart girl and if these crazy boys of hers cant see that, then theyre not worth her time! I secretly wish she would just move into my living room...and after reading her journal, I wonder as well, what life woulda been like if she moved here instead of NYC. But I guess you can spend your whole life wondering what woulda happened if you made different choices. The point is that it all happened for a reason and im proud of the path shes chosen. It may be a hard one, but shes so strong and in the end, all of this will make up who she is in the future. All of life is a lesson learned. And all of the experiences, good and bad, make you who you are today.
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| happy birthdday to me :) |
[06 Dec 2005|02:13am] |
Its my birthday and im too wasted to do write anything else...and its sad that I can write at all...but ill explain that later is anyone asks...no cosher to write on LJ :p
1. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
22
2. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELL PHONE?
my eye.
3. WHO'S BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
mine, w/mike :)
4. WHAT TYPE OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
a sweater from american eagle...why, i should be in pjs?!
5. HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR FRIEND'S LIST?
ha im sure i have.
6. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST?
im confused...my friends list for LJ?
7. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW 'IN REAL LIFE'?
what?
8. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
my hampsters running...i actually dont know why im doing this survey. I should be in bed!
9. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Lor, Rosen, L
10. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR UNDIES RIGHT NOW?
blue hollister
11. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
Yes, two hamsters that mary hates, a fish and a turtle...& mikes cat buster :) o and my doggy @ home, baily!
12. WHAT'S YOUR DAD AND MOM'S MIDDLE NAME?
my dad's is nathan and my moms is anne.
13. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
mike and i went to the movies last night to see just friends...movies in hartford are 4 dollars a ticket so we go all the time :)
14. NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
cell phone, chap stick, debit card.
15. WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
maroon
16. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SMOKED MARIJUANA?
ha, 10 minuets ago.
17. WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE OR RECEIVE A FOOT MASSAGE?
mmm not a fan of feet...although mike gave me one the other day and to be honest, i didnt stop him. <3
18. NAME A TEACHER YOU HAD THE HOTS FOR!
umm...i duno, i cant think of any now.
19. IS THERE ANYONE ON YOUR LIST YOU SECRETLY WOULD GET IT ON WITH?
no.
20. HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
none. spent it as usual lol
21. WHO'S THE 4TH PERSON ON YOUR RECEIVED CALL LIST?
ashley
22. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
my chemical romance
23. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
last ngiht @ midnight, having sex to be exact lol tonight @ midnight i was celebrating my bday!!
24. WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE SAY?
"happy happy happy birthday i love you so much tomrw is going to be crazy be safe" from amanda stuwart lol i love her.
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[22 Nov 2005|08:55am] |
| Your Birthdate: December 6 | 
You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you.
Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first.
You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world.
An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be.
Your strength: Your intuition
Your weakness: You put yourself last
Your power color: Rose
Your power symbol: Cloud
Your power month: June |
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| you smile melts me <333 |
[05 Nov 2005|09:50pm] |
he wispered into my ear 'I love you' last night...and for the first time, in 2 years I wasnt scared to say 'I love you too.' ♥
and then he took a picture of my butt in hollister undies. :P
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[03 Nov 2005|12:53pm] |
Life is grand...my schedule next semester blows but what can ya do-ive gotta graduate! So lets see...this week has flown by-its already thursday-tonight's girls night out...headin' downtown for the first time in a while. So a quick recap for the week-monday was MNDC but I had way to much hw to do-so I did HW then crashed @ the boys place-Tuesday night I went to see SAW 2-oh my lawd-so freakin' scary...I highly recomend seeing that movie NOT under the influence of anything. I mean it-I nearly shat myself. Last night Mike and I had a pitcher race @ Whitneys-I won. He should be ashamed of himself. lol <3 I'm tellin' ya, I can drink just about anyone under the table when it comes to beer. Mike finaly got to try whitneys pizza-good shit right there. O and ashleys and I ate lunch at tissane yesterday-oh my lord I forgot how awesome the food was there-amazing.
So yeah, this is a pretty pointless update-Im avoiding doing my HW that dues in 3 hrs for my creative writing class. Penis. I should go to it.
New pictures posted on my webshots-check 'em out!
♥him.
go to the website-theres more where that came from :P
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[24 Oct 2005|03:16pm] |
My halloween costume this year...umm, dont look at the ugly chick wearing it. lol
Im wearing the white thigh highs-I wore fishnets last year w/the wench costume-gotta switch it up.
Horray for my favorite holiday of the year! AND my last in college-wow thats so depressing. I ♥ u guys!!
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[29 Sep 2005|05:04pm] |
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[21 Sep 2005|03:30pm] |
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mood |
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I wish I could write a real update...maybe when I get internet in my appartment sunday I can....things here have been insanely crazy but we're livin' it up...senior year 2006
Lindsey is coming this weekend :)AND Ashleys cousin Katie is too....its gonna be nuts!
Smile is going well...lots to memorize in a short period of time.
I miss everyone at home-I didnt get to see you all long enough last weekend :/
Now im leaving to finish up some hw. Last night we went to Sullys. I do not know why the hell we havent gone there before-awesome bar!
Hope everyones life is fabulous <333
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[16 Aug 2005|10:05am] |
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[11 Aug 2005|02:18pm] |
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mood |
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Quick update before I leave work early :) Today I have to go to the warehouse to pull costumes for Pajama Game... I knew directing a play was gonna be rough but I never realized how much work and dedication goes into directng...especially when your the choreographer too. But the shows in great shape and I know it will be fabulous on Wednesday...if anyone wants to see it-its @ 12 30 at Bayway in E.Islip. :)
Lifes been grand these past week...busy but great! Last satruday was the park show and closing of Oklahoma! The show was so much fun, I forgot how awesome the shows are in the park...ive done one every summer except last summer-theyre always a blast. Sunday Glen and I went w/the broadhollow crew to six flags! That was a sick day-so much fun but we were so beat gettin home at 1 30am and draggin our butts to work the next morning. Sadly we did not get onto kingda ka-but the roller coaster looked sick-Im hoping they wont close it down for good cos I def. wanna try it! Umm...Delias house party was Monady night-that was insanely fun-another summer 2005 house party success! Glen and I went into the city to see a play on tuesday-that was a lot of fun. I love dating someone who has simular interests as you-we've seen like a play a week and we still have 2 more planed trips one of which is to see the full monty :) Good times.
I'm going to lake george in 2 weeks and 3 weeks its back to school for me...I'm indifferent. Im so excited to go back and so sad to leave at the same time. I dont know what to make of all this...all I know is im happy now and now is all that matters. Whats in store for down the road, who knows? But I am sure as hell excited to find out!
When I find some time, I've got lots of new pictures to add to my webshots :) I miss my UHA friends like WHOA-Half Door ASAP :P
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